So last Thursday I was sitting at work during my lunch break casually playing Simpsons: Tapped Out on my tablet. After that I decided to read some news. It had been a great week, I had finally found couple of people whom I could interview for my research and it was turning out to be a good week at work too. And then I read it from the first page: Alan Rickman had died. I was sitting the, and I could not believe what I was reading. I was utterly shocked and actually checked couple more news sites, because come on, someone made a mistake, please say so! But it was not a mistake. I spent rest of the day in shock. It was absurd. I don’t follow celebrities’ or actors’ lives. I can not claim that I was a huge fan of his work, I have only seen Potters, Love Actually, Sense and Sensibility and Die Hard. But this hit so hard. Today is Sunday, and my hands are shaking when I write this. It is like The Guardian’s wonderful opinion piece stated: This is like huge chapter of my life had ended in matter of minutes.

In a way, this is just one thing. I am turning 27 this year. For some reason, it has always been my “scary” age. Like, if I don’t have a job, if I have not graduated, if I don’t have a boyfriend by then, I am a failure. Of course, I know this is not true. But it is weird how I see that my life has not changed at all while my friend are in their dream jobs, getting married and have graduated. I still live in the same apartment, work in a job that I don’t particularly like and I have never dated. On the other hand, I live in this apartment, because it is cheaper and allows me to save money to buy my own place. I don’t need to worry about my job after I leave the workplace and it is a full time permanent position, which allows me to consentrate on doing my Master’s thesis. And it pays the bills. When it comes to men, I have not been looking, I don’t trust people and I have always been a kind of loner, I don’t even meet my friends more than once a month! It is still quite likely that I will graduate little bit before or after my 27 birthday, and I don’t even have a dream job.

I don’t like changes, I never have. But I have known for months now, that this year will change a lot of things. I want to finally graduate, in order to move on. I will need to move out (this I actually want to do!) and I need to find another job, because I can’t stand the one I have now. In a way, I have seen this year as my last rite of passage between my young adulthood and really being a grown up. It is funny to think that people who are my age alredy have school aged children and have gotten married and worked in steady jobs for several years. I could have not, I see it now, I have always been a little late to the party. Like I was still playing with dolls when I was 13 years old. To tell the truht I still am playing, just that I invent stories in my head and talk them out, plus find suitable music. It is relaxing because it is the ultimate escapism, a world where everything is fine. The problem is, I should not dwell on dreams and forget to live, which I sometimes feel I have done. Then on the other hand, I am happy with my simple, small life, without any drama.

But in a way it is time to finally leave this behind. No more sleeping until noon, I have to work hard to graduate and maybe actually get some other job and move. And all this at the same time, this spring! It is too much, but this is why I put that first paragraph in: I feel that I should take a leaf out of this man’s book. People who actually knew him wrote how he always found time for his friends and how he became an actor later in his life because it was his passion. It is clear that if I want certain things, I have to jump, and change some things in my life. But change is always so hard. But for this, I have prepared for a long time. I am unbelievably sad, super anxious, nervous, and I feel I will fail. But I have to try, beacause if I don’t try I will never get anything. I should see my unbelievably nice friends more often, I should do something else than just go from job to home and back. I should try to meet someone, look for new job, write my thesis and find a nice home to live in. But I fear I am too lazy, too anxious and fail it all. A part of me just wants hide under my bed and stay there. But I can not, if I want to do something in my life. And I should, because life can change and be over any time.

This long text could actually be posted in my diary, but I feel it should be here. Because I think many others have same kind of feelings sometimes in their lives, knowing that they must leave something behind and move on. I will always be anxious, I will always be lazy, I will always look back and think that all these years going university have taught me something important, not only in lesson but also in other ways.

A part of my childhood, that I had thought I had left behind years ago died with one wonderful actor. I don’t actually belong to that world any more, but I have partially clinged in it for years. Longer than I just sit and watch the world move on, the harder it is going to be. So now I need to jump to this moving water too and star making changes, just small ones to start with. So, for the start, I start working towards completion my thesis every day, I write to my two best friends and porpose to meet them, and I will start looking for a new place for real.

Finally, thank you Alan Rickman for being a integral part of my childhood, without I even knowing it. My condolences to those who actually knew him.

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